From diont@cs.mun.ca Wed Apr 25 22:01:37 2001 Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 17:17:55 -0230 From: Mordenkainen Bcc: owsf2000@eudoramail.com Newsgroups: alt.fan.sailor-moon Subject: [OW!] Why one should always read the posts. P:OW! - Stuff happened. -- Broxer's Wrote: > For a brief moment he opened his eyes and caught sight of the Chibi > Moon's mother/older sister. His temper tantrum cut off and he stared at > it stupidly, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. His body began > convulsing slightly as his heart beat grew more and more powerful. > > Suddenly his muscles doubled in size, bursting off all his clothing. His > furry body grew to over twice its size, and a blast of bright pink light > shot out from him. > > And when the smoke cleared, he was Chibi-Ja-Nai-Chibi-Ouzaru-Broxers.[1] > He roared again in a deep voice fitting of the monster he had become, > then looked down at himself. The camera panned up him slowly as the > Haruka-Michiru theme played. He blushed.[2] > > He flexed his arms. "Rig ruscles...." He felt his chest. "A roft > rhest...." He looked down. "A--roah...." > > Mai looked down too. > > Down on OtakuWorld, in all but the loudest of areas, a screeching > "ETTTTTTTTTCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" could be heard crashing down from > the heavens. > > Several more craters later, CJNCO-Broxers shook his head as his hearing > returned. Then he looked down at the source of the devastation. His big, > red eyes became big, red hearts as he saw the pretty girls. > > He kneeled down with an arched eyebrow. "Rey, raby. Rhat's rour raction?" "EEK!" Mai screamed, scooped up the armless, french speaking alien, and ran for safety! Kobanal smacked his furry forehead and groaned. "Raths ra-er That's the lamest pick-up line I've ever heard. And trust me, I've seen some pretty bad ones."[1] "I pity you then." Aureal sweatdropped. "Pity the people those lines were being used on." Lisa smirked. "Where's Dionysus?" The lupine looked around, "We seem to be getting off track again." "I'M THE ONE GIVING THE TEST HERE!" Harvey screamed. "NO YOU AREN'T! I AM!!" "Nevermind..." Kobanal sweatdropped as the two ladies pointed to where a tackily well-dressed man was arguing with a talking hamster. A young schoolgirl with swayed in the air as she glomped on to the man's arm as he was swinging it wildly around in frustration! On the ground, an walking, french-speaking head named Jacques sweatdropped at the sight. "The Chad is scared..." Lisa's new firefly whispered from her shoulder. "Aw, don't worry." Lisa petted the bug, "I'll protect you from the wackos." [ Kern, you can stop reading here. Honest. ] "Ano.. TD-sensei..." Mai @_@;;ed, "Perhaps we could just agree that you're both giving the test." "IF HE WASN'T SO STUBBURN, IT MIGHT BE POSSIBLE!" TD screamed more at the hamster than anyone else. "IF HE WASN'T A MINAKOCHANIAN, I'D PROBABLY THINK ABOUT IT!!" Harvey screamed back. The two glared at each other a few moments longer, the tension between the individuals sparked so intensely that one could practically see the flashing electricity between their eyes. A hotdog weiner lowered into said electicity and cooked nicely. The tension broke as the two followed said weiner rise back up into the waiting hands of SD-KM. He took a big bite and mumbled with his mouth full, "You know, we really don't have time for this." The two looked from the runt back to each other. "HMPH!" they both huffed and turned their backs and crossed their arms defiantly. "It's not like the test has a time limit." Harvey muttered. "..." SD-KM blinked. "OH! yeah, the test." "Ano, what are you talking about then?" Mai asked. "Don't you remember last year?!" SD-KM glared at the young otaku. "Oh wait, you weren't here last year." He turned his glare to TD. "Don't you remember last year?" Tuxedo Dionysus blinked, "Well of course I do, I remember like it was only yesterday." < Flashback Cameo, staring Pook! as TD - Scene Switch> "ARR! Prrow Prrt snoog P'kow!" 'TD' exclaimed on the bridge of the Arty-P. Everyone blinked in confusion until they realized it meant 'BEGIN WITH THE MASS DESTRUCTION OF ALL LIFE ON OTAKU WORLD! ARR!'. Having little else to say, 'TD' went back to clawing at the restrictive yellow tuxedo until it was lying on the floor in shreds. "ARR!!" 'TD' Pook!-ed, now wearing only the collar and several strategically placed leaves, then she (er he) bounded out the door with an angry "Risque!!" "You know, TD doesn't seem to be feeling that well." Harold nudged the minakochanian author sitting next to him at the controls. "He didn't even tell us what to do with our prisoner Kane..." Everyone looked at Kane who was sitting on the floor in diapers with a spaced out look on his face. Holding a rattle in one hand, he spun a cat around in circles with the other babbling "I'm the world's biggest idiot for letting minakochanians capture me." over and over. < Cameo Flashback concludes[2] - Scene Switch >.>;; > "That didn't happen last year." SD-KM smacked TD out of his daydream sequence. "I'm referring to something else." "Oh! YES!" TD exclaimed, "I forgot all about that!" "Egg-zackly!" SD-KM nodded sagely. Aureal saw the look on the two otaku's faces and groaned, "Please don't be thinking what I think you're thinking." "Hey! What about the moon rock?" Harvey spat, "We're just wasting time doing nothing this post." "Don't worry." TD assured the rodent, "We'll get the moon rock and bring it back to the shrine so that you rats can try to create a weapon of mass destruction with all the materials we gather only to find us cleverly plotting to foil those plans of yours!" "... eh?" Harvey blinked. "But not today!" TD finished then flashed an intense yellow light, leaving behind NC-Janitor. Mai yelped and jumped back from the stranger that looked ... well, exactly like TD except he was wearing brown coveralls and a black baseball cap that read 'GO NC!' in bright yellow letters. With a flick of his wrist, NC-Janitor transformed the scenery into a more appropriate setting. "Today we kidnap an author to settle up some unfinished business." "Oooo, SAY IT!" SD-KM practically glowed anticipation. "Quickly SD-KM! To the fridge!" NC-Janitor exclaimed, and the two quickly jumped into oddly out of place fridge sitting in the middle of the court room. < Hell Bent for Authors - Scene Switch > Meanwhile, Chris Kern was sitting down at his computer, chatting on #ow in irc.sandnet.net[3] with other OW! authors with references of Utena and Xenogears frequently popping up. He had browsed today's list of OW! posts already but had stopped reading this particular post half way through thanks to the lame yet effective ruse Mord had used earlier in the post. "Chris Kern." Chris froze at the sound of the familiar voice behind him. He quickly typed something into the irc channel. Hey Mord... Yes Chris? What was in that post of yours earlier today? * Da_Wrecka laughs. * Mord[afk] snickers evilly. You should have kept reading. Switching windows, Chris went re-opened the Mailing List and skimmed down more of the post. The further down he went, the more that sick feeling in his stomach grew until he got down to this particular section. (Hi Chris!) DAMN YOU!!! Don't worry K, I'll save you. But first. Lunch! *** Mord[afk] is now known as Mord[goingtoparis] That's a long swim for lunch!!! Don't worry, I'm going to walk around the ocean. * Mord[goingtoparis] is not an idiot. "ARGH!" Chris screamed as the NC Being grabbed him from his chair and SD-KM held a plushie machete to his throat. "MOM!! THE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS FROM THE INTERNET ARE BACK!!!" "That's nice dear." a voice came from the living room. < See what happens when you don't read the posts? -- Scene Switch > Back in the hastily created court room, the fridge opened up again, letting out NC-Janitor and SD-KM as they dragged the tied up author behind them. "Them apples taste bad actually." SD-KM said to NC-J, spitting out the rotten core. NC-Janitor nodded sagely, "It was just a question. We'll have to ask Sprite how long he's had them in there." "Uh... what are we doing?" Broxers, who had changed back into his normal humanoid form now that the moon influences were gone and whatnot. "That's what I'm about to explain." NC-Janitor replied. "Good." Lisa smirked even as NC-Aureal sobbed about reused plotlines. "We're putting an author on trial?" Kobanal asked. "Again." NC-Janitor nodded as he walked behind the judge's desk and his coveralls transformed into that of a judge's attire. "Chris Kern." NC-Judge Janitor's voice reverberated around the room. "One year ago, you were convicted of one hell of a lame April Fool's Joke." "I learned my lesson!!" Chris cried, "I didn't do any such thing this year!!!" NC-JJ raised his hand and ordered SD-KM to gag the accused. "This isn't about the April Fool's Joke. This is about your sentence." "Mmph?" The NC-One asked Mai for the scroll that had suddenly appeared in her hand. Unrolling it, he began to read, "You Chris Kern, have been proven innocent beyond a shadow of a doubt. As such, it is my duty to sentence you to no less than TWO years of writing Otaku Wars! posts." CK facefaulted when he realized where this was going. "Furthermore. Posts shall be submitted to alt.fan.sailor-moon no less than once per month, and you MUST stay true to your favorite senshi from this day forth. Do you deny that this was indeed your sentence one year ago?" CK Mmph!ed. "Be it known, that between the months of November 2000, and Febuary 2001, that you, Chris Kern, have failed to uphold your posting requirement. It will be the goal of this trial, to determine what should be done, and if we care what your reasons are!" "Holy shit, what a lame plot idea." Kobanal boggled. "SILENCE!!" NC-JJ shouted, and bounced a plushie mallet off the dog's head. "Just for that, you're the defendant's lawyer. Everyone else, try to fill a role and we'll get underway!" TBC -- Tuxedo 'My Author Made Me Do It.' Dionysus *inno* Footnotes from Hell [1] He knows my brother after all. [2] No, you can't have what I'm on, and I'm not sharing. [3] *plug*