From diont@cs.mun.caSat Nov 18 21:32:03 2000 Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 15:03:52 -0230 From: Kobanal Bcc: owsf2000@eudoramail.com Newsgroups: alt.fan.sailor-moon Subject: [OW!][NC] Let's Paint the Town Red! [Limited Time Multimedia Bonus!] The following was written after two authors were starting to get really annoyed about being kicked offline so others could use forces known only as 'Hotel Chat' and 'Love Calculator'. Since there's nothing they can actually -do- about this situation, they decided to vent. Thus, the following. Enjoy! DISCLAIMER: If any OW!er actually uses this crap, we're sorry but stay out of the BEEPing lobby 'cause it doesn't concern you. :) --- The scene opens to the view of a large luxurious hotel in downtown Otakuville one rockin' Saturday night. The sign on the front of the large building blazed the name "Hotel Chat" in big, obnoxious neon letters. This particular hotel catered to a specific breed of NO. Usually the Nameless that entered this Hotel did so because they were either very lonely, desperate or stupid. Sometimes a mixture of two, sometimes all. Everyone inside was partying and living the good life not realizing that ominious yet not so subtle vibes hung in the air. The vibes were caused by the sudden explosion of 50 cars parked at the end of the parking lot outside. At the end of the parking lot, two shadowy figures emerged from the blazing inferno, stalking toward the hotel. One was a large, angry lupine Makochanian, the other, an equally angry Minakochanian, decked out in his golden, Endymion-style armour. The looks on the allies' faces were of pure and unrepressed fury. As the two approached the parking valet, the ugly NO took one look at the furious Otaku and bolted toward his car. He was just about to turn the ignition when he saw the Makochanian draw a large blue sword. The NO never uttered a word before a bolt of lightning arced toward his car and hit the gas tank. *SHA-BOOOM!!* The two pissed off Otaku casually walked through the flames of the wrecked car, looking really cool in the process thanks to a mysterious breeze that made their hair and clothing sway. Dionysus was the first to reach the main entrance. There was another Nameless there to greet the new guests, only to be hammered into a pulp by the Morphin' Old Broom. The remaining NO in the lobby looked very, very nervous. And who could blame them? Their imminent demise at the hands of two Otaku who they had no idea what they had done to make them so angry kinda instilled a little fear here and there. While walking up to the counter, Kobanal and Dionysus casually killed three more Nameless Otaku, then pointed their respective weapons at the shivering NO at the desk. "Where's the Chapel?" Kobanal growled menacingly. "Umm...." the NO squeaked, instantly soiling his shorts, "Just... just...ju... up the stairs and ... do...down the hall....f..f...fifth door on the right." "Right." Dionysus replied, as he bonked the NO forcefully with his broom, slicing it in half. "You take care of the lobby and plant these..." Dionysus stated while tossing Kobanal some c4 and Thermal Detonators, "I'll find the Chapel, destroy everything in its general location then pick up a slurpie on my way back." "Remember our agreement, Dionysus," Kobanal said, grabbing the Ditz-lover by the arm as he was dashing off, "Don't spare anyone or anything except for our targets." "I know." Dionysus grinned Nefariously. He gave Kobanal a half smile, which looked very twisted, then took off down a corridor. "I don't like that look," Kobanal muttered to himself, "I'd better hurry." And that said, the lupine dashed off to plant the explosives all around the lobby. <"I'll have to move everything to Mord's Castle." -Scene Switch> The hotel was everything Dionysus had expected. Everywhere he looked, there were mindless NO sitting at computer terminals, typing to each other. 'Don't these people realize they could just talk to each other?' Dionysus looked at the NO closely. They appeared to be staring straight ahead, mindlessly typing inane conversation. As a matter of curiosity, Dionysus tried to get a peek at what they were typing. ' Hi there, sexy, a/s/l?? ' Are there any cute guys that wanna chat to a '10 year old? ' Does anyone want to chat to a 19/m? The rest was irrelavent as Dionysus spotted his intended target. "So...." he began saying, sounding like a Bond villain, "Finally we meet, Meester Cool. ahhahahahaha!" Looking at the screen, it indicated that "mr.cool" was in one of the adjacent rooms. Quickly dispatching all of the NO in the room, Dionysus wiped the blood from his broom (beatings can be soooo messy) and left to find his quarry. <"Dammit! It's snowing in JUNE!!" - Scene Switch> Kobanal had finished planting the bombs by this time and was now walking quickly from room to room, trying in vain to find one called "sweet_sexy_girly". The lobby was a large place, with many connected corridors. "AAARGGH!!" went the NO's as Kobanal hacked and slashed through the many rooms. Kobanal suddenly came to a halt as he came to another door. This one was different from the rest, and really caught his attention. On the door read: "Manager" Kobanal looked toward the reader and smiled sadistically. <"I'm not sure what they want, but it can't be good!" -Scene Switch> The door to another chat room burst open as Dionysus barged in. Looking around the terminals, Dionysus found the one NO who had given himself the name of mr.cool. "YOOOOOOOU!!!" Dionysus' eyes burned red! "Aah! What?!" the dumbfounded NO screeched. The hapless NO soon found the bushy end of the MOB grazing his chin. "You were the one responsible for removing my author from the terminals!" Dionysus growled insanely. "What??! I dunno what yer talking about!!" "Wha-" *BAP!* went the MOB, crushing an ignorant NO's skull. "You," Dionysus said evilly, pointing a finger at 'mr.cool', "will come with me, bastard...." The pathetic NO complied. Dionysus then half-dragged his victim out of the room, toward the main entrance, laughing nefariously the entire way. The door to the manager's office opened slowly, and Kobanal stalked menacingly toward the now frightened NO. "Wh.. who are you?" The doomed nameless said, trying to sound brave. "Are you the owner of Hotel Chat?" Kobanal said, his eyes burning a bright blue. The NO squirmed in his seat. "Yes." "Prepare to die, scum!!" Kobanal roared, lifted his sword high! "NO!" screamed the NO! Kobanal didn't know why, but he paused. Perhaps it was the memory of that orange-coated NO he had befriended and buried a couple of months earlier. Maybe it was the chili he had the night before.... He couldn't be sure. "Please...." the manager sobbed, "Spare my life!" Kobanal lowered his sword. The look of anger remained however. "Act like a pig." The NO looked confused, "What?" "I said, act like a PIG!" The NO sweatdropped, but fell to all fours and began crawling along the floor, making tiny, scared *oink*ing sounds. "Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!" Kobanal guffawed, smiling broadly. "Does this mean...?" "Hhehehehehe..." "DIE PIG!" Kobanal roared, then chopped the NO into 3 pieces with two mighty swipes of his Thundersword. "He's insane!" one NO gasped, finally catching on to the fact that NONE of them will be leaving the hotel alive. heheheheHAHAHHHAHA AAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...er...anyway.. < Good. Bad. I'm the guy writing the post. - Scene Switch > "DIE PIG!" Dionysus roared, then chopped the NO into 3 pieces with two mighty swipes of his Morphing Ol' Broom. The Assistant Manager died easily, still pretending to be a chicken. "Out to the lobby, mr. cool." Dionysus turned and kicked the NO out of the now empty assistant manager chatroom, pushing him directly into the lobby where he stumbled over the balcony rail and fell 20 feet to the front desk below. At the same time, the minakochanian's lupine ally walked through a side door dragging his target, one sweet_sexy_girly, by the hair. "All set Kobanal?" the Minakochanian called down to the Makochanian. "Ready and willing." Kobanal grinned evilly as he lifted his victim up by the hair. Giggling like a madman, Dionysus ran down the stairs and past the front desk (clubbing mr. cool naturally as he passed) to get the rope they would need to tie their victims against the thermal detonators. As Dionysus ran through the corridors laughing like a madman, he noticed something in one room that caught his attention. Screeching to a halt, he looked inside and saw a room full of walking, talking, computer monitors with big hearts displayed in the screen. Along the bottom of the screens were an array of buttons. "Love Calculators..." Dionysus shuddered, then contacted his Makochanian Ally. This called for immediate 'treatment'. "No seriously!" Love Calculator #27 exclaimed to #61. "The God and the Devil really -do- match by 87%! It even says so on my screen." "Baloney! I would never have thought such a thing to be true!" #61 replied, "But well, since my screen says the same thing, unless we type in God's last name 'Dammit', it -must- be true!" The door crashed open causing the senseless, flawed logic of the poorly programmed computational devices to come to an abrupt end. The door had been blown off it's hinges, showing a pissed off humanoid in a spiffy yellow tuxedo and a larger lupine looking angrily down at them. "I calculate only a 93% match for minako and makoto." One Calculator made the mistake of caculating before it was interrupted. http://www.otakuwars.org/~mord/die.wav (or http://www.angelfire.com/anime/otakuwars/die.wav ) "DIE CALCULATORS!!" Dionysus screamed then used his shapeshifting powers to transform into a high-powered plasma gun just as "Instruments of Destruction" began playing in the background. "What the hell?!" Kobanal balked as Dionysus landed in his hands. With a quick shrug, he opened fire on the nearest Love Calculator as it ran for cover. He laughed maniacly as the smouldering hunk of junk fell to the floor. "Quick, get the others!" a small speaker on the gun handle spoke with the voice of the Minakochanian Faction Leader. "Not a problem." Kobanal grinned evilly and immediately opened fire on the next target. More one-sided fighting continued, with many casualties until Dionysus finally stated, "Let's finish this." "Oh hell yah, hahaha!" Kobanal agreed wholeheartedly and went ballistic. When it was all said and done, Dionysus transformed back to his normal form. The two warriors shrugged as the Minpirian simply said, "Game Over." and detonated the explosives, engulfing Hotel Chat and all within in fire and brimstone. Outside the Hotel, the two figures emerged safely from the burning wreck, a wind blowing dramatically, allowing TD and Kobanal to ooze coolness as they walked from the inferno, their revenge complete. ^_^ "We've got a warzone down here!" A NO reporter exclaimed from outside the Hotel... The End. -- Kobanal & Dionysus