From diont@cs.mun.caSat Nov 18 21:27:21 2000 Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 21:01:28 -0230 From: Dion Torraville Bcc: owsf2000@eudoramail.com Newsgroups: alt.fan.sailor-moon Subject: [OW!] The Trials of An Author This post Includes: Minpire: Dionysus Amichanian: NC-Aureal Endymionsamaian: Tuxedo Zorro Reichanian: Sprite Unaffilated: SD-KM, Amara, Herr Kern, Das Frettchen Authors: Chris Kern Previously on Otaku Wars! * Mord plays a silly trick. :p Mord wrote: > > After these commercials. > (Sorry for quoting the entire post. *inno*) Kern Wrote: > "We came after K in this world, but he evaded us. And he didn't even > use the damn wand! He threw it away and uses that damn pastry cart > instead! We found the wand buried in a trash heap in Otaku City!" > Herr K held out the Happy Bubble Doom Wand, which was covered in > refuse and filth. > > "You could have cleaned it off, you know," said Amara. > > "It makes a better statement this way," replied Herr K. > > "So," said Das Frettchen, "Who's with us?" ZZZZZZZIIIIIIII @====>>================= NNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!! And now.. from the very computer that brought you Discontinuous Continuity! "The Trials Of An Author!"[1] "I dunno, fighting an author would be kinda impossible since they aren't a part of Otaku World." Dionysus pondered. "Bah, we can do it." SD-KM replied, "I mean, they always do that sorta stuff to US, and I recently trashed Andy's room looking for a golden pin." "Which was a rather silly thing to do, since all the pins were in the shrine." Tuxedo Zorro sweatdropped. "The fact of the matter is, it's possible!" SD-KM snorted. "True, but we'd need some rather omnipotent beings to do such a thin-" Dionysus stopped in mid-sentence as he began to glow with a strange yellow light. "Hey, what's the deal Dionysus?" Sprite gasped even as the light intensified and all detail disappeared. After a sudden flash, the light dispersed and Dionysus was decked out in a familiar (to most) suit of brown coveralls and a black baseball cap (that read "GO NC"). "Wooo, my turn!" NC-Janitor exclaimed after the metamorphosis was complete. Amara pikued alongside Luna. "What the..." "That's NC-Janitor." SD-KM explained, "He use to hang out at the No Faction Resort in the past, until he was absorbed by Dionysus in the OAV." "Aaaah." Amara nodded slowly. "Looks like they seem to inhabit the same body now, taking turns occationally." TuxZ mused. As NC-Janitor raised his arms, the room began to alter itself until it resembled your Standard Court Room. "In the name of Non-Continuity, and the Continuity Busters, Justice will be done!" A wind blew through the room. "...after we collect the accused!" NC-Janitor finished, "Quickly Sprite! To the fridge!" < Wuv. Scene Switch > Meanwhile, Chris Kern sat at his computer, talking with others in #ow while reading today's batch of OW! posts on the mailing list, including this one. (Hi Kern!) While snickering to himself over this paragraph, however, he was surprised when his door burst open and two people he had only READ about charged in menacingly. "Under section 45, paragraph 22, sentence 4, in volume 64 of 'Otaku Law - Read it and Weep', you are under arrest." Sprite proclaimed. "WHAT?!" CK shouted back, then cursed himself for not skimming the post quicker. "I'm an author, and this isn't Otaku World!" "Section 2, paragraph 71, sentence 9 of volume 9 clearly states that you can not use that as an excuse." NC-Janitor countered, "It is against the law to kill off your enemies and friends with false characters in a joking fashion. You must accompany us back to Otaku World for your trial." CK facefaulted, and realized how painful it was to do so when you aren't a two-dimensional text-written character. He opened his eyes from the floor to see the tiny SD-KM staring at him. "Hiya Kern, come along peacefully so you don't make me kill you, k?" SD-KM branished his plushy machete threateningly. "Come to think of it, it'd be more fun if he didn't come along peacefully..." the SD runt pondered out loud. "Ano..." CK started to complain. "No time for complaints." Sprite chirped as he elbowed CK in the back to 'soften' him up. "No text to waste and whatnot." As they began dragging the author out of the room and into the kitchen, Chris tried struggling against them. He couldn't let himself be taken so easily! The keyboard! If he could just reach the keyboard and write himself out of this mess, he'd be safe! He lunged out of their grasp, only to fall to the floor in a mess. SD-KM immediately jumped on his head and started slamming him with the small plushie machete. "I warned you!!" CK squinted his eyes as he looked past the runt's weapon to the computer table a few feet away. The keyboard having been knocked to the floor in the struggle. Target sighted, he crawled over as quickly as he could and began typing frantically. "Aaah. Help, I'm being abducte-." NC-Janitor said calmly as he voiced what Chris had typed before the two Continuity Busters grabbed him by the arms and began dragging him to the door. "Ahem, I mean, you can't escape the law Chris, it's no use fighting it." They dragged CK's ass out of the room and into the kitchen where they opened the fridge. "Chris, where are you going?" the author's mom asked from the front door. "MOM!! HELP ME! I'M BEING ABDUCTED BY FICTIONAL CHARACTERS FROM THE INTERNET!!!" Chris shouted as he tried to hold on to the edge of the open fridge. "That's nice dear, just be home in time for dinner, I'm ordering out for us all." "MOOOOMMMM!!!" Chris shouted as his grip finally slipped, allowing Sprite and SD-KM to finally push him through. "Sorry about the inconvenience Mrs. Kern." NC-Janitor apologized to CK's mom who had already started dialing, "But in the name of comedy and non-continuity we must abduct your son." < Inno. -Scene Switch > Back on Otaku World, a fridge opened up in the makeshift court room. A second later, Chris Kern was dropped to the ground in a heap. The three Continuity Busters stepped out after him. "It took you guys long enough." Amara sweatdropped, "We -do- have other plans you know." "Not to worry, this should be an open and shut case." NC-Janitor replied, nodding sagely. "Ok, you have me here. Now what?" CK muttered. "Well, we have an impartial hearing to see if you're innocent or GUILTY." NC-Janitor replied. Sitting up, Chris looked around the room. "Hey... there's nobody here except for the people in Mord's thread! How the heck is that impartial?!" "Hey now... we can be impartial!" Amara replied, "I call the prosecuting lawyer roll!" "You can't be." NC-J replied, "You're the complaintant." "Then I'm my own lawyer!" "You are not!" "I am too!" "You are not!!" Amara kicked NC-Janitor in the shins, "I am TOO!" "Fine then! Sprite, you're defending the author." "Righto!" Sprite exclaimed, and promptly went to sleep. "HEY!!" CK shouted, "If that's how he's going to be, I wanna be my own lawyer too!" "No. Only one self-lawyer per case." NC-Janitor replied. SD-KM and TuxZorro took their places in the jury stand. "Ano... this isn't fair!" CK pleaded, almost fearful of who the judge would be at this rate. The judge's mallet slammed down, calling for order. "Ok, first witness." Judge NC-Janitor ordered. CK facefaulted again. "I call Herr Kern to the stand." Amara replied. TBC -- Dionysus Have fun all, let me render the final verdict, but call whatever witnesses and whatnot you can think of that would be funny. Convince me. ;) === FootNotes ================================================== [1] One bad pun deserves another Kern. *inno* ==============================================================