This post includes: Minpire: Rooks, Harold, Artemesian Warrior, Tuxedo Dionysus, NC-Janitor, Korb, Sailor Universe, Brutus. (8) Darkmoonian: Dark Glen, Prince Sapphire, ChaosSapphire, Seedling, Esmerodian Warrior, Pitch, Marvin, A NEW Youma of the Post. (8) Makochanian: Kobanal, Ferchan, Leloni Bunny. (3) Endymionsamaian: Kane, T-cat. (2) OSDF: SuperSteve, Sailor Polaris, Nic-Chan, Nyakun, Mr. K, RockmanX. (6) Unaligned: Tokoz, Sailor Person/Sally, Clone, KABOOOOOM-ohki, Bob Norom. (5) Previously on Otaku Wars! OAV, Discontinuous Continuity: * A moshpit battle took place in the Engineering Section of the Henshin Space Buster! Nothing like one big happy battlefield! * The NC-Janitor forced the two sides to settle the dispute by Utena Style Duels. Well, that was the plan anyway. * The Darkmoon lost, but refused to retreat until the Jam&Petal Rocket 'convinced' them to depart! * Prince Sapphire has sent a Meteorite flying towards Otaku World!! What -ever- will we do?! Are we truly domed this time?! Thus Continues... Chapter V: "Discontinuous Continuity" Back-mounted jetpacks. They're damn inconvenient. They're damn heavy. They're damn hard to control. They're damn wasteful with fuel. However, like chocolate chip cookies, they have nothing to do with this OAV, so the inconvenient, hard to control, heavy, energy leeching back-mounted devices can continue to rust on the shelves of a Walmart near you! In our last exciting chapter, our heros (muffled snickering in the background) had successfully repelled the Darkmoonians from the Henshin Space Buster only to discover (gasp) that the Evil, Twisted, Dark Prince had summoned a meteorite using the Henshin Space Buster's own power! "Can't we just use the HSB to push it away again?" Sailor Polaris choked. "Negative." Nic-chan replied, looking over what was left of the consoles. "It looks like they used just about every scrap of our reserves to extend the tractor beam so far, and main power is still down." "We couldn't even pull a cup of coffee across the room with what we have left." Nyakun sighed wearily. "Well we can't just let the Darkmoonians get away!" Rooks argued. "Or let the meteorite crash into Otaku World!" Harold sweatdropped. "Oh yeah, that too." "Well, given that we don't have much to work with here, we'll have to think up a way to fix things." Kane added, "Both to kick the Darkmoonians for doing something so vile and omnipotent, and to stop the meteorite that's going to crash on... on..." Kane paused. "Where's it going to crash anyway?" Kane asked. "According to our calculations, and given that we're doing these calculations on our pocket calculators." Mr. K explained, nodded to SuperSteve who was doublechecking K's equations and nodding, "Right here." "The Crater Formerly Known As The Diet Coke Bottle From Hell 3?!" everyone shouted in unison. "Damn, that's right next to my Casino!" Artemesian Warrior cussed. "We've got to stop it! It'd be bad for business! Although it -would- lower my property tax... WHAT AM I SAYING?! I don't want no darkmoonian riffraff playing poker at my tables!" "Take it easy bro." Tuxedo Dionysus calmed the AW, "But it looks like we'll have to split up into two groups if we're to tackle this situation in a timely manner." "Sounds like a plan." Kobanal agreed, "But what will each group have to do?" "The first group will have to try to stop the meteorite before it reaches Otaku World, stopping the Darkmoonians if they try to interfere." TD explained. "And the second?" Rooks asked. "The second should try to find a way to stop the meteorite from the ground in case the first group fails. This is too important to take any chances." "So... we have to divide into two groups, both of which are to do the same thing?" Kobanal sweatdropped. "Pretty much." TD grinned weakly, "AW, try to get in contact with Cape-Mike when you get back to the Artemis-P Space Station with your group. You should be able to find enough resources to either destroy or slow down that hunk of rock. Meanwhile, Kane, Nyakun, and myself will take a quick run to Tokoz' Warehouse to see if we can get our hands on some Sure-Fire Ground-To-Air Meteor-Vaporizing Defense Rockets." "Why are you suddenly in command?" Mr. K asked skeptically. "Look around. If you guys still have functioning weapons, please don't hesitate to speak up." TD replied, "The Arty-P is still fully loaded and between the meteorite and Otaku World, unlike the HSB. I'm just trying to develop a plan." The Ferret shrugged at K, "The Super Stud was damaged on my way to the fight earlier. The Ragnarok fell on it." Mr. K sighed, "Fine, fine. I feel like I just signed Otaku World's death certificate, but it seems we have little choice." "Nic-chan, are you ok." RockmanX asked with concern in his voice when he saw Nic-chan stumble against the console. "Yeah... I'm.. fine." She replied slowly then collapsed to the floor. "Nic-chan!!" He cried and ran to see to her, everyone else stopped what they were doing to see what happened. Sweat was pouring down her face and her breathing was shallow. "Sorry about that RMX." NC-Janitor sighed beside the osdf-er, "Looks like her recovery was just an NC effect to allow a cool scene earlier. I was hoping it'd be permanent, but I guess not..." RockmanX clutched his love closer to him, near tears. "We have to do something for her!!" "But the HSB's systems are still down." Ferchan replied quietly. "Ok, Nic-chan and RockmanX go with AW to the Artemis-P." TD said, "Hopefully something can be done for her there. Everyone else, decide which team you'll be on and get to the right vehicle!" "Alright, let's hurry!" RMX answered and ran with Nic-chan to the Spice Caravan. < 60's Batman swirl sequence -Scene Switch > Elsewhere, on the ball of jammed petals previously known as the Dark Crystal, the Darkmoonians were preparing a plan of their own. "So it's settled." Prince Sapphire finalized, "The majority of us will remain on the Dark Crystal to safeguard the Meteorite long enough to reach Otaku World 'safely', while a small away party goes to pick up the extra energy booster circuits I need from Tokoz' Warehouse." "I'll lead the away party." Dark Glen stated, "Perhaps I'll be able to strike a fairer deal than most of these clowns would accept." "Agreed." Sapphire replied, "And I need several of them here since long range scanners indicate that the Artemis-P Space Station is close enough to cause problems." < Coincidence? I think so. -Scene Switch > Elswehere, Artemesian Warrior was having difficulties. The Artemis-P Party had started to pick themselves out and enter the spice caravan. When AW entered first he believed that, naturally, he'd be the one driving. However, when he reached the drivers seat, he discovered that the steering wheel was gone! "What the hell?" AW growled, frustrated. "Oh, sorry, " Kobanal quickly apologized, ripping AW from the driver's seat and plopping him in the passenger side unceremoniously. "I'm the only one who can drive this thing now." "WHAT!?" AW exclaimed. "And how did THIS come to pass?" "Well, when I was left behind by KABOOOOOM-ohki, I needed another way to get up here. The only vehicle around there that I knew of was the Caravan." ("Oh, great, " Rooks moaned from his seat, "Exposition....") Kobanal unsheathed his thundersword. "So, when I got back to it, I realized it wasn't going to be able to go nearly fast enough to get me to the OSDF'S HSB in time to help the others, so I took it upon myself to do a little.... remodeling. You see, the Spice Caravan now runs on the power of my sword. Watch." As soon as Kobanal's sword was shoved into a small niche where the steering column used to be, the winebago roared to life. All of the dials were now glowing, as was the blade of the thundersword. "So, how fast can this thing go now?" RMX asked from his seat. "Pretty damn fast." Kobanal called back, "Is everyone aboard?" AW looked back. RMX was sitting next to Nic-chan, as usual. Rooks was sitting in the same seat he was before. "Yeah, I guess so, " AW said. < Spotlight from ceiling on RMX and Nic-chan -Scene Switch> "I think that's the last of us going." Tuxedo Dionysus called out to Bob as he boarded KABOOOOOM-ohki. "Let's get this show on the road!" "Right!" Bob replied, then thought for a second, "Any idea where Tokoz's Warehouse is?" "The space between dimensions of course." TD replied, "But it's not like we need you to fly us there. I've got that covered. We need you to fly us to Otaku World while some of us visit the Warehouse." "So you have a dimensional travel device of some sort then?" Leloni Bunny asked. "Of course." TD blinked then began putting up a poster on one of the walls, "I found one of these old promotional posters of Tokoz's warehouse. It has a big red button we can press that'll send us directly there." "Aaaah." Harold said. "So while we four go to the warehouse," Kane pondered, "Bob is to take KABOOOOOM-ohki along with Leloni, Korb, and Mr. K to set up at the Crater for our arrival." "Sounds like a plan." Mr. K agreed, "Let's just hope we can cut a deal with Tokoz." "We'll worry about that when we get there." Nyakun said as TD, Kane, Harold and himself took turns pressing the big red button and vanished. "Hopefully we won't meet any non-oav related opposition at the impact site." Mr. K prayed. "Indeed." Korb agreed, "It'd be nice to have a chapter wrap up before 30k for once." < Secondary author moaning from another damn chapter size gag -Scene Switch > "Welcome to my Warehouse." Tokoz greeted the four otaku warriors warmly, keeping a finger on the security alarms beneath her desk, "What can I do for you four today?" "We'd like a few Sure-Fire Ground-To-Air Meteor-Vaporizing Defense Rockets." Tuxedo Dionysus said, "And we'd like it cheap." Ten minutes later, Tokoz began to simmer down from her laughing fit ("CHEAP?! WHAHAHAHHAHA"). "I'm sorry, we don't have any." "What?!" Kane balked, "I thought you had EVERYTHING!" "Well, usually we do, but I'm afraid the last of them were bought a few hours ago." Tokoz replied, looking down at her records. "Well, how about Anti-Space-Debris Cannons?" "Sorry." "Super Rock to MuddyWater Trans-phasing Missiles?" Nyakun pikued. "Nopes..." "An Incredibly Shrinking Ray gun?" Kane dug for more possibliities. "Nada." "Super Sized Plot Hole?" "Gomen..." "Link's Golden Gauntlets?!" "We usually do, but not today..." < 0_0;; -Scene Switch> Back in space, AW, Kobanal, Rooks, Sailor Universe, RockmanX and his ailing, holo-love-muffin were making good time. Rooks looked out the window, into the shear vastness of the Void. He could hardly believe that the once turtle-like Spice Caravan was now travelling at near light speed. Taking one last, loud slurp from his drink, the Minako-lover suddenly felt a painful tingle. "Ahh.... Um, uh-oh. " Rooks muttered with a groan. "What's 'uh-oh'?" RockManX asked (though he already knew the answer). Rooks crossed his legs, "Oooooh, man, bad timing!" he moaned miserably. "Hey, Kobanal, think you could speed up a bit, I really gotta go!" "Now, now," Sailor Universe snickered from where she sat with the purring T-cat, "you should've thought about that before we left, Rooksie!" The remaining Otaku began to laugh. "It's not funny..." Rooks complained. The laughter increased, even Kobanal was laughing now. "Hey, Rooks, " AW yelled from the front, "pinch, man! Pinch for your dignity!" The Artemesian Warrior started laughing harder. "You want me to beat that smile off of your face, AW?!" Rooks yelled, highly insulted. "Oh, I dunno, " a voice said from behind the back seat, "I'd kinda like to do that myself!" All eyes whipped around ("Kobanal!! Watch where yer flying!!" *big swurve* "...sorry...") and gazed at the evil, smiling face of the Esmerodian Warrior. "WHAA ha ha ha ha ha...." EW laughed maniacally, "I managed to sneak on while that mongrel was 'fixing' the Caravan, hahhahahaha!" "Good lord!" Kobanal exclaimed, "You've been hanging out in that tiny, air-tight compartment for the last 6 hours?!" "Anything to finally get my revenge!! But, I'll get to you later, newbie. Right now, I've got bigger fish to f-" The empowered clone didn't have time to finish, as Kobanal floored it, knocking the clone off-balance. Rooks quickly reached behind him and pushed a button, activating the back door. EW blasted into space. "Damn you all!" he cursed, "I'll get you for this! You haven't seen the last of meeeeee!!" "Well, now that we've jetisoned the garbage, anybody got a straw?" SU asked as she whipped out her PePe. (yes, that's right, her Perpetual Pepsi) "That was remarkably easy, " Rooks said cheerfully, dusting his hands. "I hope he gets a new power or something, it's getting too easy to kick his ass! I almost feel sorry for the guy!" A tiny clacking sound on the floor drew his attention. A small card, an eight of spades to be exact, lay in the center of the Caravan, glowing brightly. A small black gem was imbedded into the center of the card. It started to hum and flicker. Kobanal yelled back, "What's that noise?" *KA-KA-KABOOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!* < 137 simultaneous Gasps -Scene Switch > Elsewhere in the Warehouse, Dark Glen and Pitch were still being led around by Clone. "So you have the Golden Gauntlets, the razor-sharp fishnets, the mudifying rockets, and the space debris cannons among other things. You must be really preparing for some major catastrophe." "Yeah... you could say that." Dark Glen grinned darkly, "These things will help a lot, but what we really need are some circuit boards." "You'll have to be more specific than that... circuit boards can do a lot these days." "These circuit boards should boost energy output from nega-sources." "Aaah, power amplifiers." Clone nodded, not apparently caring that she was obviously dealing with the bad guys... business was business... and her employer -was- the major supplier of the Evil Shogunate, a Darkly Dormant yet Savagely Slumbering Faction of Pure Evil. Luckily for them, their foes, the Almighty Abscent Capcomchanians disbanded for the time being. :) "I believe we have some in stock." Clone continued as she checked her self-adjusting map, "Ooops, nevermind, it's gone now." "Awww.." Pitch sulked. "Oh wait, it's back, but on the other side of the warehouse." The darkmoonians facefaulted with a thud and splat. < Them Wacky Between Dimension Storerooms -Scene Switch> Minutes later, back at the main desk... "Rocket propelled Razor-sharp fishnets?!" Harold cried desparately. "For the third time NO!" Tokoz replied wearily, "Look, about the only thing left in stock that you might be interested in is a Third Class Anti-Grav Support System." The four warriors looked at each other then turned back to Tokoz. "WE'LL TAKE IT!!!" "AAH!" she yelped as the force of the shout knocked her clear off her feet. Stumbling back to her feet she continued, "Alright, that'll be thirty six million otaku dollars." "Righto." Dionysus nodded, "Kane, pay the woman." "WHAT?" Kane pikued, "Why do -I- have to pay her?" "Because it was YOUR rocket the darkmoonians used to take control of the Henshin Space Buster." Nyakun pointed out. "Well if it wasn't for NC-Janitor being installed in the warhead," Kane countered and crossed his arms, "The missile wouldn't have stood a chance. So pay the woman TD." "HEY! They could have installed hundreds of NC-Janitors into the rocket and it wouldn't have meant beans if the Henshin Space Buster was able to defend itself better against a little NC!" TD muttered, "So pay the woman Nyagachillisauce." While the three argued over the bill, Harold tried a little negotiating with the WaresWoman. "Say Tokoz, we both know you marked the actual costs of this item up by about 2500%, so whatsayyou to a little gambling?" "What sort of gambling?" Tokoz peered at the panting Minakochanian. "We'll play a game of Paper-Rock-Scissors." Harold explained, "If we win, we get it for 18 million. If you win, we have to pay double." Thinking it over, it seemed like a win-winbig situation for her. Heck, she wasn't even sure if the crappy system still worked anyhoo. "Alright, best two out of three." "I'll go first!" TD announced confidently and so Tokoz and the minakochanian stood facing each other, fists extended. "One, two, three!" Harold said. "Rock beats scissors." Tokoz snickered, "I win the first round." "What the?!" TD blinked as he turned back to the others, "How'd she know that so fast?!" < TD's Forehead: *inno* > The others facefaulted at the fake innocense written across TD's forehead. < TD's Forehead: Next time, he'll be picking Paper. > "Uh, TD..." Kane sweatdropped as he picked up a mirror to show TD his face, "Perhaps we need someone else to play for us." < TD's Forehead: Biiida. This is my last appearance. :P > "Well... who'll take my place?" Dionysus sweatdropped. < TD's Forehead: NOOOOOO! > "I WILL!" NC-Janitor shouted as he scrambled out of a large green pipe, kicking huge red snapping turtles with wings back inside before jumping down to join the rest. Everyone shrugged, not wanting to risk being the reason for having to pay Tokoz 72 million otaku dollars. Fists extended, Tokoz and NC-Janitor stared as seriously as they could at one other. "One, Two, Three!" Harold called. "Paper beats Rock." NC-Janitor snickered, "I win." < NC-Janitor's Forehead: Snicker - Signed, Management. > "Darn." Tokoz darned, 'Guess I shouldn't count on it this time.' she thought. "One, Two, Three!" Harold exclaimed. "WHAT THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSE TO BE?!" Tokoz shouted. NC-Janitor's hand ended up with just his index finger sticking out. "My Dynomite beats your Rock." he grinned. "DO OVER!" Tokoz snarled, "There's no dynamite in this game!!" "One, Two, Three!" Harold said. NC-Jan's hand resembled a rock, but his thumb was stuck up in the air... "NC-Janitor's Toilet beats Tokoz's Paper." Harold snickered. "How?!" "It sogs it." Tokoz facefaulted, "That's not fair! Again!" "One, Two, Three!" Harold sighed. "HA! Beat that!" Tokoz snickered, her hand looking like that of a little hand-puppet. "I win!" NC-Janitor grinned slyly. "You don't even know what this is!" she complained. "It could only be a dragon..." NC-Janitor began, Tokoz sweatdropping at the correct answer, "And dynamite beats dragons." *Tokoz facefaulted* "Again?" The Non Continuous Being asked. "YES." "One, Two, Three!" Harold sighed, this Best Two out of Three going on forever. "Rock! I got Rock! I win!!" Tokoz shouted excitedly, "Rock pelts Dragons to death!!" "But... that's not Rock Toku-chan..." NC-Janitor calmed the near-hyperventilating dragonlady down, "See how your hand is turned to the side rather than straight up and down? That's Coal! Dragons feed on Coal to power their fire breath. Sorry..." "AAAAARRRGGG! AGAIN!" "One, Two, Three!" Harold snored from his seat. "AHA! My Dragon can definitely eat your Toilet!" Tokoz snarled. "Gomen..." "NOW WHAT?" "Well... you see how I have two thumbs extended? That's a Super Toilet. It flushes Dragons after dousing their fire breath..." "Nooooooooooo!" Tokoz sobbed, "How can you have a move where you NEED two thumbs?!" "Well, the strongest forms aren't meant for just -anybody-." "One, Two, Three..." Harold predicted correctly a rematch would be in order. "HA! How about now?!" Tokoz had pulled the successful Dynamite. NC-Janitor made a snipping gesture with his scissors, pretending to snip off the top of Tokoz's extended index finger. "Scissors beats Dynamite." "How?!" "Snips the fuse of course..." "AAAARRRGGH! Ok you win! Just give me a rulebook for this stupid game in case some shmuck tries this on me again!" Tokoz cried. "Done!" TD agreed quickly, "Here's the book, compliments of The Minpirian Game Pro Industries." He turned suddenly to face the camera near the readers, "The ONLY true source of original copycat game concepts and reused plotlines. Buy it. Live it. Love it." "That's a security camera baka." Tokoz sweatdropped, but accepted the book nonetheless. After a few minutes, the Third Class Anti-Grav Support System was transported to KABOOOOOM-ohki. Tokoz hadn't gotten any money from the deal since she had lost so many actual rounds of Paper-Rock-Scissors. Well, not directly. Fortunately there were two typos on a rebate coupon inside the rule book she had received. The first declaring the company would rebate 36 million otaku dollars for the purchase of this book instead of the intended 36 otaku dollars. (The book itself cost a grand total of 20.99 at retail outlets.) The second typo was that instead of listing the company liable as The Minpirian Game Pro Industries, it listed the Darkmoonian Book Presses Ltd. *inno* Weeks later, Darkmoonian Book Presses Ltd. would be run out of business. "YOU!" A familliar voice shouted from the doorway several meters away. "Dark Glen?!" Kane gasped, being the closest to the Darkmoonian. "Don't forget me stud." Pitch winked at the Endymionsamaian. "And the pudding bitch." Kane sweatdropped, "Just great." "DEMON SWORD..." The Darkmoon Commander chanted as his sword literally vibrated with the amount of energy he gathered into it this time, "This time Janitor, your plans will FAIL! EVILIZE!!" "AH!" Kane shouted as he dived out of the way of the approaching bolt of black energy. "GYAH!" Nyakun agreed heartily as he jumped to the other side. "Dionysus!" Harold yelped and tackled his faction leader to the ground in the nick of time, the bolt soaring over the two. "Don't worry! I'll protect you all!" NC-Janitor shouted as the bolt entered his body. "AAAAAHHHH!" His body began to twist and grow, a sailor fuku appeared around him, exposing his hairy legs, "RUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!! I DON'T... AAARRGHH! I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN RESIST IT!!!" "Uh... NC-Janitor..." Nyakun sweatdropped, "The bolt went through you and hit Tokoz..." Sailor-NC-Janitor stopped his squirming and looked over to where Tokoz had been knocked down behind her desk. "Oh..." He instantly reverted to his normal coveralls attire. "Anyone can make a mistake..." "This...." Tokoz gasped for breath as she struggled to her feet, using her desk as a crutch. Sparks of black energy flickered over her body as she trembled in pain and anger. Leathery wings errupted from her back and small horns appeared on her forehead. "Thisss is going to cost you..." She hissed with a forked tongue, then cried in alarm as the dark energy suddenly intensified and forced her dragon transformation. Her sea-foam green hide was a notably darker shade than usual... Now rather hungry, Tokoz jumped over the Allied Otaku and lunged at the Darkmoonians. "It didn't work!" Pitch shouted as she grabbed Dark Glen and twisted form in all sorts of inhuman ways to avoid the large snapping maw of the Tokoz Dragon. "AAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Sailor Person/Sally screamed just as Tokoz's foot came slamming down on her. "What went wrong?!" Pitch shouted as she stretched herself to the limits to swerve high above the floor. "I don't know..." Dark Glen replied, almost losing his lunch from the constant changing of direction and altitude, "I put everything I had into it..." "AH!" Pitch screamed as a golden rose flashed in front of her face. While that didn't do much in itself, the blasts of water-based magic that followed it caused her to lose her grip on her commander. "Ok.. Two's a charm." Dark Glen shouted as flipped through the air and landed on his feet, Tokoz charging straight for him. "DEMON SWORD EVILIZE!!" Tokoz roared in anger as the blast hit her large form. Black lightning errupted from within as the nega-energy already inside resonated with the second blast, making it difficult to see her. Soon Tokoz disappeared from view entirely as a strange wind blew through the area. "Dammit." Kane muttered through clenched teeth as he shielded his eyes from the wind. "Nobody's ever been pumped full of that much nega-energy..." Harold whined. The Ball of Black Lightning that had encased the Tokoz Dragon suddenly exploded, hurling everyone back off their feet. When they looked up again, they saw the dragon. Her darkened sea-foam complexion hadn't changed, however an inverted black moon symbol had appeared on her forehead. Not that it was noticed before the Silver Sailor Senshi Bow&MiniCape around the base of her neck or the Bright Pink Bow tied to the base of her tail... "SAILOR DRAGON!!" She roared. "Oh bugger." NC-Janitor sweatdropped. < *Mord whistling innocently* -Scene Switch > *Camera switches to view of the Artemis-P Space Station, slowly twisting around the base until it stops directly in front of a large, gaping hole near the station's sick bay. Said camera moves in for a closer look.* RMX groaned painfully, lying over 40 feet from where he was violently tossed from the crashed and trashed Spice Caravan, which was lying on its side near the entrance to the stations' sick bay. Failing to spot Nic-chan nearby, an overwhelming sense of panic gripped the OSDFer. Limping as quickly as he could, he looked out into the Void to see if Nic-chan had been tossed into space, breathing a sigh of relief when he couldn't spot her. RMX started as he heard a loud moan in the background. "Oh, man..." Rooks moaned, limping as well, "What the hell just happened? The last thing I remember was throwing EW out the back." AW pulled himself out of some rubble nearby, "EW must've lobbed a card into the Caravan before you shut the doors. Is everyone ok?" The three warriors jumped when a sudden piercing scream destroyed their ears. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" "What's wrong, SU?" the three asked, "Where are you hurt?" "Whaaaa!!" SU bawled, sitting on the floor, rivers of tears flying out of her head. "I hurt my FINger!! Whaaaaa!!!" The ground shook as the three Otaku facefaulted. "Oh, you poor thing!" A girlish voice said behind them. SU stopped bawling to look at a Holograpghic Nurse Minako standing in the doorway to the sick bay, looking woefully at the Spice Caravan just a few feet from the hologram. Looking at each other with worried looks, the warriors ran to the Spice Caravan... or what was left of it. RockManX saw Nic-chan lying peacefully next to the doors of the sick bay and ran to her. Her woefully inept 64 color palette and 32dpi resolution leaving her a shadow of the beautiful figure she once was. "Bring her inside, quickly!" the faux Minako said bubbly, and led RMX to a bed for the ailing hologram, "Oh, and you might want to help your big friend there." Kobanal was finding it very hard to breath. And who could blame him? You'd have a hard time breathing too if you were being crushed under a Spice Caravan! "Roxy-chan! Help us get this off!" SU yelled to RMX. The four warriors pulled with all they had, and eventually lifted the huge (and surprisingly light) vehicle off of the lupine. "Let's get him inside, " AW said, and with Rooks' help, hefted the huge Makochanian and carried him to a bed where a Holo-Minako was waiting with a big smile on her cute face. Kobanal took one look at Nurse Minako and his eyes opened wide. "NOOOO!!!" he howled and lept out of bed, "Don't come near me you walking disaster!" Reaching into a secret (well not now, but you know ;)) compartment in his belt, Kobanal pulled out a small round bead and swallowed it quickly. Within seconds, the lupine was standing tall and feelin' great! "Whoa..." the others 'whoa'ed in unison. "How'd you do that?" Rooks asked thinking it highly unfair that a newbie had this kind of power. "Family recipe," Kobanal stated simply, showing Rooks his one remaining Restore Capsule before putting it back inside his belt buckle. "Alright, whatever," AW sighed in annoyance, "Well, now that we're here, let's get a better ship and help the others!" "Rooks to Brutus," Rooks spoke into the comm on the wall. "Rooks! Finally! What's going on! Why hasn't anyone kept in contact since the-" "I'll explain later, Brutus. You'd better meet us at the ThunderWuv. Looks like we got bigger problems than we thought." < Korb polishing his underused rocket launcher -Scene Switch> Otaku World loomed nearby as the darkmoonian escorted meteorite neared it's destination. "Nyahahaha!" Prince Sapphire laughed evilly in the command chair of the Dark Crystal. Most of the jam had finally been removed despite Seedling's weak stomach. "Soon now! Very soon we'll win the Wars! and prove to the rest of the fools how silly it was to compare a senshi to the ever cool Dark Moon Family!" "Yeah yeah." ChaosSapphire wearily agreed, "You know, my prince, time might pass a little faster if you stopped reminding us of our imminent victory every 2 minutes." The dark prince coughed, "Yes, well... Just trying to pass the time. I'd have expected some sort of resistance by now. Instead we're flying towards Otaku World, making good time, with a huge meteorite right be...hind... us... OK, WHERE IS IT?!" Marvin flicked the viewscreen around a bit and relocated the meteorite several kilometers behind the Darkmoonian vessel. After a zoom enhancement, they discovered a starship next to it... The Ragnarok! "..." Prince Sapphire ...ed at the lame attempt to steal their meteorite using grappling hooks and dental floss. "Fire the dog biscuits..." The Ragnarok shields went up just in time to shatter the 20 foot dog biscuit before it hit the hull. However doing so snapped their hold on the meteorite. "Dammit!" Ferchan cursed, "Ready the weapons, looks like we'll have to fight the hunk of crystal." Energy blasts slammed into the Ragnarok, followed immediately by more dog biscuits. "Um... Ferchan..." Sailor Polaris piped up from the helm, "That last blast took out our propulsion system." Ferchan blinked at the view screen and watched the Dark Crystal float back to the meteorite, "Well get them working again!" "Another ship entering range." SuperSteve piped up, "Unknown Design, but it registers as both a Makochanian AND a Minakochanian vessel." "Both? How?" Ferchan boggled. The two watched the battle unfold as nameless otaku continued repairs on the damaged systems. Dark Lightning slammed into the hull of the vessel that looked remarkably like the Enterprise-E from Star Trek with little effect. Strangely enough, it appeared as if the attack had been absorbed. "Love&Beauty Shock Torpedo away!" Brutus grinned as the bright yellow torpedo slammed into the Dark Crystal's approaching Dog Biscuit. "Quick, load another!" "Quick!" ChaosSapphire shouted on the Dark Crystal, "Do we still have those crates of bottled pickles we picked up last christmas?!" "Of course, nobody likes them." Prince Sapphire began slowly, but then he jumped on his clone's train of thought. "Marvin! No wait, you'll just complain about it, Seedling! Jetison the pickles at the Minakochanian starship!" "But... but... it's pickles..." Seedling complained, "How'd you like it if I threw a possible relative of yours out an airlock?" "For crying out loud, I'll do it!" ChaosSapphire growled and then grinned evilly as it slammed against the hull of their enemies. "Now fire the lightning cannons!" The darkmoon prince shouted. The hull of the ThunderWuv overloaded as it tried to absorb the lightning tossed at it, but in a designer's flaw (it's a new ship) the water from the bottled pickles intensified the lightning, shorting out most of the online systems. "Uh.. AW..." Kobanal gulped from his console, "We have a problem..." "Not now! Can't you see I have enough problems!" AW shouted back, electricity and fire errupting from consoles all over the bridge. "Ok fine, -you- can find out about the coolant leak whenever you're ready for some new problems." Kobanal replied sarcastically. "The what?!" *KA-KA-KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM* "Wooo... nice fireworks." Seedling commented, wearing dark shades. On the Ragnarok, Sailor Polaris and Ferchan stared at the bright explosion with looks of horror on their faces. End Chapter V. - Oh the humanity! What will the Allies do now that their kick ass starship (and several of their allies) were destroyed? - What became of EW after his all too familiar drop from 1000 km in the air? - How will TD deal with the evilized Tokoz? - Who's gonna be responsible for cleaning up all the pickles floating around in space? - Will any of these damn chapters be less than 30K long? Will -any- of these questions be answered in the Breath-taking NEXT chapter of Discontinuous Continuity?! You can only hope we're more organized than we seem to be or you're SOL my friend. :) == Chapter Five Outtakes ============================================== "Sounds like a plan." Kobanal agreed, "But what will each group have to do?" "I.... don't know..." TD explained. Kobanal sweatdropped, "Look TD, you're one of the stars of this little oav, could you PLEASE read the freakin' script once in a while?" --- "Sailor Dragon!!" She roared, rather quietly. "Uh, a little louder please, the mike didn't pick you up." Tokoz sweatdropped, "Oh, sorry!" --- "AHA! My Dragon can definitely eat your Toilet!" Tokoz snarled. "Gomen..." "NOW WHAT?" "Well... you see how I have two thumbs extended? That's a Super Toilet. It flushes Dragons after dousing their fire breath..." "Hahahahahaha!" Tokoz laughed heartily, "How can you say that with a straight face?!" And now, what you've ALL been waiting for! An Excerpt from the 'Official Paper-Rock-Scissors Guidebook for Dumbasses' (Copied with permission from Minpirian Game Pro Industries.) ========================================================================== Quick Win-Loss-Draw-Other Reference Table (p457) Legend: Pa = Paper C = Coal Dn = Dynamite R = Rock Dr = Dragon F = Fire Sc = Scissors T = Toilet Po = Pokemon St = SteamRoller Player 1's 'move' is listed horizontally. Player 2's 'move' is listed vertically. - = A draw. No winner, do over. 1 = Player 1 Wins. 2 = Player 2 Wins. X = A win is attributed to each. 50 = 50/50 chance, decided by best 2-of-3 rounds of Paper-Rock-Scissors. Pa R Sc C Dr T Dn F Po St Pa - 2 1 2 1 1 1 1 2 - R 1 - 2 2 2 2 1 - 2 1 Sc 2 1 - 1 1 1 2 1 2 2 C 1 1 2 - 1 2 1 1 2 1 Dr 2 1 2 2 X 2 1 2 2 2 T 2 1 2 1 1 - 1 2 2 1 Dn 2 2 1 2 2 2 - 1 2 50 F 2 - 2 2 1 1 2 X 2 1 Po 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 - 1 St - 2 1 2 1 2 50 2 2 - Super Toilet: The Super Toilet beats everything, except another Super Toilet. In a case of a draw between the monstrous flushing devices, the 6+ fingered freaks must club one another to death with spikey bats. The person left standing wins the round. -=-= Other Fun Facts =-=- Regarding Coal: Paper covers Coal like it does Rock, and Coal can smash Scissors like a rock. Rock, however, is considered stronger than Coal and can smash it apart. Regarding Dragon: Dragon burns Paper, is pelted to death by Rock, melts scissors, and eats Coal to power its breathweapon. A tie of dragons, however, end up with a bigass fight which results in the death of both. Thus both win! (Can be used to win a best 2-of-3 match if you already have a win.) Regarding Toilets: A toilet sogs and mushes paper, gets clogged by Rock and Coal, can be eaten by a healthy (but not for long) Dragon, and can flush scissors. Two toilets is a draw... what the hell are they going to do to each other? Regarding Dynamite: A potent move used by all without creative skills or guts, the dynamite can beat just about anything a person throws at it. Rather funny how scissors can snip the fuse however. Regarding Fire: A fire burns paper and coal and melts scissors. Dynamite has no effect on a fire, and since the fire remains after the stick blows up, the fire wins. Dragons are resistant to fire, and can stomp on it to put it out. A toilet can be poured out to douse the fire. A tie in fires cause both to win, as the fires will merge to form an even bigger flame! Regarding Pokemon: Probably the most useless of all the special moves, Pokemon chokes on paper, is pelted to death with rocks or coal, cut up with scissors, flushed down toilets, eaten by dragons, burned in fires, and blown up with Dynamite. A draw between Pokemon is a no-win for either as no matter which pokemon wins, the loser isn't actually killed. :) Regarding SteamRollers: A SteamRoller ties with Paper, since it can't flatten it any more and there's nothing Paper can hope to do to it. Rock, Coal, Toilet, and Pokemon are crushed beneath a SteamRoller. Fire gets its source put out and thus extinquished by SteamRoller. Dragons can sidestep then breath fire on the SteamRoller Operator, thus destroying the SteamRoller. Scissors can snip the fuelline to SteamRoller, thus winning! Regarding Dynamite, it all depends on where the dynamite is placed. If it's run over by the big rolling pin thingy, the SteamRoller wins as little damage is actually done. If the Dynamite is placed in the gastank, the Dynamite wins. === The Two Hand Rule === The more savy of the Paper-Rock-Scissors Specialists find it more fun to play by the famous Two Hand Rule. Developed by Prof. Bullsheet in 1993, this style of playing increases the difficulty of the game big time as each person plays with both hands, each hand being able to use the same method or two different methods. The winner of a round is decided by who wins the most. IE: Left hand is checked against Left hand and Right hand of other player, then Right hand is checked against Left and Right hand of other player. Thus a total of four hands are played simultaneously. Certain method combos can be defined to boost the power of the individual hands. (IE: If you draw pokemon and dragon at the same time, the pokemon is considered to be riding the dragon, which covers the inherent weakness of the otherwise useless pokemon method.) Additionally, there are some methods used only in the Two Hand Rule, such as the 'Pokemon Evolution' or the 'Dragon Magic' which modify the win/loss chances of their respectful method. Yes, an evolved Pokemon still loses to everything, but it can actually win against a normal non-evolved pokemon. === Special Racial Methods === There are several methods that developed among other races both near and far (this is a VERY popular sport after all!). While there are no rules that currently forbid the use of racial-specific attacks from being used by other races, the requirements for the methods usually make the method unusable by other races. This is usually because the hands of the other races simply can't twist correctly or have insufficient appendages. One such case is the Super Toilet, which requires the use of two thumbs on a single hand! (Or the 'Drive By' which requires three hands, two for the steering wheel and one for the semi-automatic uzi. This ultra powerful method is naturally forbidden in all One and Two Hand games.) === Notable Method Combinations for Two Hand Games === (... copyright laws prevent the copying of any more text! Although we'll just skip to the helpful references so you can research more into this fun filled adventure. Remember! It's not just a game, it's a freakin' LIVING!) References: 1 'How to Bullshit Your Way Through Any Conversation!' - Torraville Enterprises, copyright 1998, Dionysus Publishing Press. 2 '101 Ways to Overly Complicate the Simpliest Idea.' - Amichan Lawyer Agency, copyright 1995, Dionysus Publishing Press. 3 'Why Caffeine Should Never Be Ingested While Writing OW! Posts' - Tokoz Industries Warehouse, copyright 1990, Dionysus Publishing Press. 4 'Writing Diarrhea and How To Cope' - Soraban Industries, copyright 1996, Dionysus Publishing Press. 5 'How to Become a Minakochanian In One Easy Step!', MordSoft Inc, copyright 2000, Dionysus Publishing Press. =========================================================================== -- Tuxedo Dionysus & Kobanal Thiwarden Kobanal: You finally finished? Dionysus: Um... unless I break copyright laws and list the tables on page 562...